[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
enough.
Rob gives me a wink when I hand him the tumbler. I need
to be drunk tonight. I m pretty damned nervous. Scared shit-
less, actually.
You re scared? What about me? It s not like the statute of
limitation s run out on your kidnapping.
Rob grabs my arm. There was no kidnapping. Sit down
here with me.
207
Jeff Mann
When I do, he says, Can I put my head in your lap? Like
we did before? There s that little boy s voice I remember,
deep but full of a barely suppressed pleading.
Sure. I guess, I say, through my uncertainty, surprise, and
confusion. Suddenly I m terrified of touching him, afraid of
what might happen if I feel his warmth against me. I ve tried
to forget him for so many years, but, in his presence, all those
heaped-up attempts at amnesia are breaking apart like an
earthen dam. The lines of his body have changed, but still he
makes me ache.
Thanks. He stretches out, resting his head in my lap
with a deep sigh. I cover his solid frame with the afghan. The
silver tabby immediately repositions himself on my guest s
belly. Rob and I gaze at one another, take sips of our drinks,
and gaze some more.
You ve got some gray, I say, tapping his whiskered chin
with one tentative finger.
Getting old.
Hell, you aren t old. You re only thirty, right? I m old, I
say, brushing my own beard. Talk about going gray.
Looks great on you. Say, Al? You didn t answer my ques-
tion.
What question?
Do you still love me?
I ll answer that if you tell me why you re here.
Rob closes his eyes. Because& after Sarah, I slept around
some, a bunch of chicks, even dated a few, but none of it
helped. Then I hit a few gay bars in Lincoln, slept with a few
guys, sucked a few cocks. Guess I really am bi. But none of it
was any good, no one touched me like&
Rob opens his eyes, bites his lip, then clenches his eyes
shut once more. And I kept having nightmares. Of Jay hurt-
ing me. I m still scarred, by the way. My chest. And I kept
having dreams about you, fantasies too. Even when I was still
208
fog
with Sarah, I d be jacking off in the shower, thinking about
you tying me up, stuffing your dick in my mouth or taking me
from behind. After the divorce, I d see some big bearded guy
like you in a bar and try to pick him up. But those men were
never&
Rob takes a deep breath. Or I d be in some damn diner,
munching on a hot dog, or getting fat he slaps his belly
on biscuits and gravy& though, dude, the biscuits were never
as good as yours! And I d think of you. So then, I just got tired
of the dreams and tired of being lonely, tired of not knowing
what had happened to me or why, so I started doing some re-
search on my father s career, prison records, Jay s, uh, Jeff
s
file. Found out he d died. Finally found the house where you
kept me outside of Pulaski. Found the Red Line Diner. Took
longer to find out how you fit into the picture. Anyway, my
generation s pretty good at computers, so& Here I am.
I still love you.
Rob opens his eyes. He lifts a hand and cups my cheek.
Really?
Yes. What the fuck do I have left to lose? My dignity? I
snort. I love you. I ve tried to forget you for years. I never
could. But that doesn t mean I want you here.
No? Rob strokes my face. Why not?
Because how could you forgive me for all that happened?
How could you love me back? Because why the hell should I
open myself up again if&
I shake my head and rub my forehead. I lost you. Then I
lost Jay. You re like twin spears in my side. I m happy up here,
Rob. I m happy alone. In the cold clouds. With my cats. With
the fog and the forest and the lilac blooms. Working online.
Dealing with other human beings only once or twice a week,
when I drive into town for groceries. I see clearly when I m
alone. When I m not fogged in with desire. I don t do stupid
things anymore. I m safe. And the world s safe from me.
209
Jeff Mann
Sounds like you ve become a coward.
What the fuck do you mean by that? Why should I let
myself feel for you again? Why should I take such a chance?
Rob sits up with a jerk. The tabby flees; the afghan hits the
floor. He rises to his feet, glowering.
Like I took a big risk tonight? Driving up here?
I d say. You stupid shit, driving up here drunk. As narrow
and twisted as that road is, you could have been killed.
That s not the risk I m talking about! Damn you! Rob
snatches his drink from the coffee table, gulps it, and throws
the emptied glass against the wall, where it shatters.
Kidnapping me! And beating me. Holding a knife to my
throat. Making me hate you. And then touching me! That
fucking unforgettable touch! Your mouth on mine, your mouth
on my tits and my cock, your tongue and then your cock up
my ass. Spreading me wide; opening me up. You opened me,
dude! The things you forced me to feel! I m ruined! Ruined,
damn you! Who would want me like this? Scarred-up, fucked-
up, neurotic cripple! Rob shouts, clenching his fists. Touch-
ing me like that, and then risking your life to set me free, so
I d owe you till the goddamn end of time? Showing me your
face, and then turning your back and leaving me there with a
fucking book of love poems in the fucking heart of winter?
Rob turns his back on me. It s been the heart of winter
ever since, don t you get it? Too dear for my possessing? No
shit! Expecting me to forget! You fucker! I should kick your
ass!
My throat s so tight I can barely speak. Do you think I ve
ever forgiven myself? I m so sorry. You need to sober up and
go home, Rob. Punch me, and then head on down the hill.
There s nothing for you here.
Rob faces me again. His bearded cheeks are tear-streaked.
[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]