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"It's messy," she replied. "Although Emma agreed to a monogamous
relationship, she would normally have assumed we were both free to see
other people. In fact she was seeing someone, quite happily as I recall.
Then I stumbled out of the closet, putting a stop to all that. Right from
the beginning, I made it clear that I didn't want it to be like that, that we
would be faithful to each other. When going with other couples came up,
well it wouldn't be a problem. We thought that meeting you, or any other
couple, would be perfectly safe. We'd be doing it together with all the
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detailed safeguards we'd agreed upon. It should have been fine. We wrote
it down and everything. As it turned out, we considered every dimension
except the human one. That you were people who had jobs and made
breakfasts and kept houseplants, every bit as worthy of love and respect
as we were.
Being treated like a sex object, damn near the story of my life, said
Maz. Will you to fess up to Emma?
"No, definitely not. If I was going to try to renegotiate matters with
Emma, I should have done it before starting to see you. I'm stuck now.
Besides, I can't tell Emma without potentially exposing your duplicity to
Lesley. Emma would think it wrong if three of us knew something, but
Lesley was kept in the dark. As I say, all a bit of a mess."
"Do you think she's noticed anything?" asked Maz, sliding off the sofa
on to the floor at Claire's feet. She leaned her head against Claire's knee,
idly tracing along her foot with a fingernail.
"I'm sure she hasn't, replied Claire, moving her foot out of Maz's
reach. My relationship with you has changed nothing between Emma
and me. Emma has a lot of emotions, but she's not big on jealousy. She
likes to see me happy. Ironic that I keep from her much of what is
making me happy right now. I wish I'd never insisted on fidelity, though.
A degree of freedom would have been better all round."
"Ah, so many women, so little time," Maz repeated an oft heard
mantra.
What about you, Maria? How do you feel about deceiving Lesley?
It's too easy, Maz replied, sadly. It never even occurs to her that I
might be going behind her back. She expects me to be sprawled on the
sofa when she gets in on a Thursday night, and I am.
Would you like to tell her? asked Claire.
No, said Maz, staring bleakly at her half empty glass on the coffee
table. We've made a life together, both of us working hard. I don't know
how long you might want me, Claire. I'm flattered that you want me at
all, but Lesley has been good to me.
You've known each other a long time, said Claire.
Maz agreed.
Thirteen years and counting. What was it Emma said? Half her
lifetime. I still love her, you know, despite doing this with you.
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That's fine, Claire assured her, no one wants to hurt Lesley or
Emma.
Maz perked up.
Wouldn't it be funny if Emma and Lesley were seeing each other,
afraid that we'd find out?
Lesley sighed, rising gracefully to her feet, aware that her attention had
been anywhere but on her breathing for the past forty five minutes. She
was in her meditation room, set up in the back bedroom of the home she
owned with Maz. The curtains were closed against the evening sun,
dipping low now behind the boundary trees. Tonight the flickering
candles, the smell of sandalwood oil and the accumulated ambience of
hundreds of hours of meditation had combined to produce the perfect
conditions for A Good Think. A Good Think about Claire, Emma, Maz
and herself.
Lesley was glad they had met Claire and Emma. It was the first and
only time that her notion had worked out wholly as she envisaged. Her
plan had always been to see a couple regularly, but not frequently. For
over a year however, first meetings had resulted in nothing more than an
unsatisfactory series of four way one night stands. Lesley had been
disappointed. She had hoped for a situation of ongoing friendliness
between the participants, though it soon became apparent that this was
going to be harder to achieve than she realized. Something, usually some
emotional insecurity, had intervened each time to put an end to further
meetings. With Claire and Emma and their monthly visits, she had finally
got what she was looking for.
Lesley's demand that she and Maz engage in the writing and answering
of personal ads had been born of desperation. She was accustomed to
people describing themselves as celibate when merely between lovers.
When opportunity arrived, celibacy departed with never a backward
glance. But for Lesley, a situation of near celibacy had been imposed
upon her by a seldom motivated partner. Lesley was trapped. She had not
been free to find someone new, but her lover of over a decade while
affectionate still, appeared to have almost no sexual desire for her. It was
a painful and bewildering turn of events for Lesley. Ironic too, looking
back to their time at university.
Maz, the confirmed and confident lesbian had clowned around the
junior common room until she'd succeeded in hijacking Lesley's attention
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