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love me again. I searched for wounded perfection. I scoured until I
found him. Someone who would make Henry covet me. Someone
physically everything that Henry wasn t.
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Derekica Snake
Erik was a god.
Henry was a demon.
But of the three of us, I was the one who was a monster.
What the fuck have I done?
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My Hostage My Love
Lesson Fifteen: Vergessen
ergessen Sie. Vergessen Sie. Vergessen Sie. Forget me. That
litany was running around my head. Henry told me to
V
forget him and I did.
With forgetting him, I allowed myself a break from the rabid
animal I was. The hurt, the anger the feelings of devastating betrayal
were shoved away as well. I wanted that TV commercial I had
watched while standing in the snow on a bitterly cold winter night. I
wanted flowers and a diamond ring. Instead, Henry gave me a
BMW, a higher education and the keys to kingdom of his fortune
when he died. I didn t want that crap. I still didn t want that. I
wanted this yawning hole deep inside of me filled.
Vergessen Sie. Vergessen Sie.
When I was someone else, the mild mannered bank teller, there
was a wide patch over that hole. I wasn t living a fulfilling life but it
was satisfying. I wasn t drinking the night away and smoking
cigarettes until dawn. I wasn t drowning in my own rage and
disappointment when I was a bank teller. I was surviving.
Vergessen Sie.
My head hurt. It was a searing stab that throbbed intensely for
a brief second than abated leaving me reeling in its wake.
Actually, all of me hurt. Physically because of the extra inning
marathon of sexual indulgence. Spiritually because I killed
someone. Not the defense mechanisms I had created to protect this
me in the here and now but I did Trevor the good catholic boy.
But, then, I ve never been a good boy. Good boys would have the
TV commercial life. A mom who loved him. A mother who
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Derekica Snake
wouldn t have left a newborn laying in the filth of the street not
sober enough to even give a shit if her kid was alive or not. I would
have had a father a real father who wanted his son. We would
have played catch. He would have taught me how to ride a bike. I
would have had a last name. I wouldn t have been Trevor, the stand
alone.
Vergessen.
The pain in my head wasn t leaving. I had to squint and my
hands cradled my temples. I still had the blue green marble in my
hand and rolled it like a smooth glass ball along my skin. I was
heated. My face was flushed. My Azure Treasure. Did I stalk Erik
down because he eyes matched my fondest treasure? All those
things I had once done to Erik. I fed him lines to make him love
me. I strung him along spinning my web around him until he was
caught. He looked only at me. He existed only for me. All he did, he
did for me and I had only wanted to use him to make Henry
jealous. No. I loved him, didn t I? I cared for him. I was sure of
that. It might have started out as just a ploy to make Henry jealous
but it was more than that now. Wasn t it? It was. It had to be. I
killed a man to keep Erik safe. It had to be love or else I was just a
monster with no purpose.
Erinnern Mich.
Be careful what you wish for. The void was cracking open. It
was cracking my skull open. Images began to bombard me. Faces
lost in the dark. Men I d killed because they got in Henry s way.
People I hurt to get what I wanted. Things I d did, not because I
wanted to, but because it was expected. I wanted the sister s
approval so I became a good boy. She still died although I needed
her desperately. I needed Henry s love so I became an ace student.
But still he threw me away, that s how I saw it anyway. There was a
dial with hash marks, levels of inhumanity, somewhere back in the
darkness of the mind that I dialed up one day. Living up to their
needs didn t get me what I desired. It didn t fill the void.
The screaming, yawning void. It was never silent. It was never
filled. It was the monster inside me telling me that I wasn t good
enough, that I wasn t loveable that I deserved all the pain and
humiliation I got because I wasn t& I just wasn t.
It triggered a fight or flight reaction. I fought and at the same
time fled back to the lonely child I once was.
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My Hostage My Love
I didn t want to be in the dark anymore. I needed someone to
be my light, to illuminate my way, to keep me from the darkness of
my soul. Erik became what he was because I asked it of him. It
might have been a silent command but he heard it and became my
Devil and he was such a golden devil, so radiant. He was the light
that I needed him to be no matter how much that brilliance might
hurt him. He sacrificed who he really was for me. Who is to say it
wasn t a good choice for him, to be my shining light instead of the
misfit embarrassment he was raised to be?
This room was oppressive. Ripping at the curtains, I revealed
floor to ceiling French doors that opened onto to an enclosed
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